22

No, not the catchy Taylor Swift tune. Not my age.  With the arrival of despised Auntie F marks the 22 month the hubs and I have been actively TTC. I will save my TTC journey for another post, but as you can assume, after 21 months there have been mountains of dissapointment, heartbreak, and tears. Today was the absolute worst. I am almost two days late. I am never late. I finally decided to take a pregnancy test after trying to keep my mind off the varied two week wait signs of pregnancy. I peed on the stick and continued with my shower assuming that the same thing I have seen for the last 21 months is going to appear. 4 minutes pass and I check. WHAT? IS THAT A SECOND LINE? YES! YES! IT IS A SECOND LINE (a dark one at that)! Hands shaking I walk down the stairs to show it it husband. A wave emotions washes over us. Finally it is going our way! Finally we get our dream! We decided to "not get to excited" (yeah, right) and wait to see the results of another test. Over the course of the next 4 hours I am in an anxious state of almost bliss. My mind is hopping from thing to thing. Like: "Oh now we can keep our savings in tack" "I cant wait to tell my parents" "I will never post this on facebook, not until the peanut is here!".  I run to two stores to get a test. After I see the box for the brand stating that "only a faint like need to appear to be positive" my heart starts to race. I get home and hold my pee for as long as I possibly can. Finally I race up the stairs and pee on two different tests. I turn the light off and pray while I wait. Hands and knees praying asking to let this be our turn. Husband comes up and we check the tests together. NEGATIVE. NOT PREGNANT.

Crushed. Absolutely crushed. It was like for 4 hours all of our dreams had come true only to be crushed  by the same thing we have had over and over again. What happened? Chemical pregnancy? Faulty test? Who knows. It hurts all the same. So now I wait for Auntie F and the hope that 22 is the one that will stick.